Sunday, October 26, 2014

Bare Walls & Sinead Revival

We took down the car collage off of Henry's lime-green wall yesterday.  And the world map.  The Babar posters too.

Out of the office, Henry's artwork squares were removed as well as the mother's day sunflower.  Downstairs the random pictures and photos all taken down.

The walls are now strangely bare.  Empty.


I played the piano in this house for the last time.  My piano books are now packed up.  So no musical offerings for a while.


We have officially moved ahead this week.

Now it's all execution.

The house is due to go on the market 4 November, in 10 days.  It should take a week to sell in this crazy Toronto market.  It'll be a wild ride.

So lots of work to be done, and each time something is discarded, moved, packed or rearranged, it's like a vapour of memory is released.  Like a time-capsule of feelings discovered hiding behind the everyday landscape of the house.

And with these feelings surface memories of when I was 18 and leaving home for the first time to attend university in Montreal.  Specifically, the feeling of packing up a previous life and heading out into an unquantified world.  There is a mixture of trepidation and deep excitement.


But at 18, I had only myself to think of.  That was complete freedom.

This time, I have a 4 year old boy who is also facing churning emotions and uncertainty.  However, I firmly believe that he will be pleasantly surprised at how much more enjoyable life will be once mummy and daddy are living apart.  I believe our relationships will then have a chance to flourish.


And then Friday night my friend and I went to see Sinead O'Connor play Massey Hall.

The concert was absolutely incredible.  Even Sinead thought so.  The audience was screaming for her, waving their arms, swaying, trying to dance in the aisles, crying...it honestly felt like a revival.

There is much I'd like to say about the concert.  But my energy is tapped out.  

The main point is that this is a woman who refuses to conform and she expresses with crystal clear truth the deepness of her feelings and experiences and self-reflection.  

She was present throughout her performance.  

The a capella song dedicated to her mother had me in tears.  I was not alone.


Most effective way for the school to send messages home to parents. 

Helped to raise close to $500 for United Way with work bake sale.

New PJs for Henry.

School photo proofs!  Guess which one you're getting for Christmas?

Taking a time-out.

This boy & sticks.

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Make It Shine For You

In these dark days, it seems that happiness and true laughter come not from being manufactured or just managing to avoid problems.  Instead, it seems born out of choices to act positively despite, or perhaps sometimes because of, feelings of sadness or anger.  This is new to me.

And so as I feel bathed in grief and homelessness, my usual pluck flounders.  And then, I remember that I'm not the centre of the universe.  I have choices.  And someday soon, there will be a new life to build.

And so, I want to punch myself for recording this.  I understand if you will want to punch me too.  



Sometimes at night Henry will come into my bed and sleep next to me.   And as the mornings are now still dark at 6:30am when he wakes up, he's noticed the bright star in the sky visible from the window while lying in bed.

When he was a baby, I used to take him out to the 2nd floor deck and show him the stars in the morning and as he got older, before bed.  I tried to continue that until he was able to talk and told me that he wasn't interested.  Oh.  Ok then.  But I bought him a book on The Stars anyway, and decided now was the time to break it out.

Luckily, the only constellation I know is Orion.  This bright star was perfectly in-line with Orion's belt.  So...I didn't need to look it up on the internet or iphone app...I used the book with Henry and managed to find the star:  Sirius.  Oh, only the brightest star in the sky!  Good starting point.

So the next day I asked Henry if he remembered the bright star's name?

Henry:  Um....mean...meanie?

Elisabeth:  suppressing a laugh  Close!  It's Sirius.  Not serious but Sirius!



Looking for the perfect rock to throw.

Post-lunch pier-run.

Improvising Thanksgiving.

Luther joined the other "friends" in their "boat."

Thanksgiving cupcakes.  Thanks Chirp.

Saturday, October 11, 2014

Emotional Physio

It hurts when I turn my head to either side.

Probably because I've been overly forward-looking.

I don't like the state that I'm in and want to get out.

But it will likely become more tolerable if I stop and look around.  Allow for myself to be present.

Present in the pain.  In the hurt.  In the sadness.

For anyone who does not know, my marriage of almost 11 years has come to an end.  

Well that is a big blog post...someday...or not.

We are still both living in the "marital home" and are making the necessary arrangements to move forward.





I believe I've wrapped my emotions tightly in a shroud in order to keep myself intact through this journey.  

As an expressive and emotional individual, the shroud has not been totally effective in preventing the spikes of anger, depression, grief or in certain times joy. 


And now, my neck and body are stiff.  Sore and tired from the holding pattern, from the luge-like journey on the roller coaster of emotions.  

So I made a conscious effort this week to peel back the binding.  To encourage some painful feelings to surface.  And to stay with them.  And now I must learn to turn my head again from side to side.  To learn how to move, and feel and live all over again.  

Must learn to not just look forward, but to be present and seeing in every direction.

Deepen my engagement with pain in order that I might feel joy.

It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; 
what is essential is invisible to the eye.

-Antoine de Saint Exupéry


Putting on the Ritz - new dresses in time for client event.

Henry's recent attempt at writing his name.
Fabulous Family Friday night

With karaoke king...

And karaoke queen...oh ABBA...the world owes you so much.

Autumn beach.


Monday, October 6, 2014

Concert Concerns

As mentioned in a previous post, I was quite taken with Shovels & Rope and even bought a ticket to see them play live, something I rarely ever do.  

So after Henry was asleep I went out to the Phoenix Club, got a can of beer and watched the opening act.  So many university students (teenagers??) were in attendance, and I began to feel old.

I don't like crowds either, and then there are people singing along and swaying to the music, generally being much too relaxed and transcendent.  

Someone makes a comment to their friends to "loosen up" and "don't be so 'old'".  

I felt old.  

But I stand in my stony non-swaying silence and wait for the main act.  I came out to see this married couple perform, as the review in Exclaim mentioned their intensity and connection on stage.  

And I saw and heard them offer a version of that, more like a packaged product.  Not slick-like, mind you.  They can't always be "intense" and raw, and so to make a living, they must package their songs and energy and sell them to a crowd who already knows all of the words, who don't want to be surprised.  

And so I walked out after 2 songs.  Not that I was unhappy, but because I wasn't going to see what I came to see.  

And now, I can't listen to their music anymore, at least not for a while.  It's kind of like I dated their songs for a week and then lost the illusion.  

Or maybe, I'm just weird!


Shovels & Rope:  interested to see where they are in 5 years. 
Visit to the beach before Henry's booster shots.
Laughed at the geese and squirrels.

Autumn in the heart of the city.

Broadview.  My favourite view.

Mini-Cooper Sunday!  Awesome car.  Henry was thrilled.

Drove out to visit Great-Grandpa Harry!